John Knox Village Blog

Important Link: NPR Interview Details Caring for Aging Mom

Thu, 24 May 2012 19:01:00 GMT

In this interview titled, "'Bittersweet Season' Details Caring For Aging Mom"

Family Matters financial literacy series, Renee Montagne talks to Jane Gross, author of A Bittersweet Season, about caring for her aging mother, and what she wishes she had known before she started.

When Do We Stop Learning? When Do We Stop Caring and Sharing?

Mon, 14 May 2012 20:29:00 GMT

On May 10, my Marketing Staff put together an exciting program, which featured communicating with the newer forms of technology. The program’s content really is necessary if you want to keep up a relationship with your grandchildren and hopefully, with your great grandchildren.

For them, e-mail may already be a “dinosaur.” If you have family who sends you handwritten letters and encloses recent snapshots of the baby, you belong to a rare club.

At some point, all of us address this question. At my age, do I want to invest the time to learn something new? At a deeper level, do we want to invest the time and emotional energy necessary to make a new relationship?

We continue to face these questions many times over as our bodies and minds refuse to yield. In my opinion, John Knox Village is about living, not dying. It’s about trying, not quitting. It’s about giving, not taking. It’s about finding the energy to try something different. We don’t have an exclusive on this lifestye. You can “live” quite well alone or living elsewhere, but if you want to keep growing, learning and giving, you will find John Knox Village is very accommodating.

Our Chaplin Jeff Snodgrass recently told a story of visiting his niece’s Facebook page. In reviewing her Facebook postings, he was able to help her appreciate how colleges and potential employers might view the pictures and content she posted on her “wall.”

There are so many examples of helping and happiness that occur through long distant relationships. Two of my grandchildren live in Italy, yet they are only a “click” away.

Learning how to communicate with our grandchildren and great grandchildren provides them a relationship with your life experiences. Learning how to post pictures allows them to learn and pass on the heritage of your family tree.

New technologies allow you to bowl without a bowling ball. You can continue your love affair with golf, tennis and ballroom dancing.

In April, we celebrated Evelyn Shank’s and Edna Hodges’ birthdays. Evelyn proudly turned 105, and Edna is now 101. Living at John Knox Village does not cause our residents to live longer; but it facilitates it.

Through opportunity, we encourage our residents to live a richer and fuller life, filled with friends, relationships and growth. It is this lifestyle that extends the heart and spirit of our residents and ultimately, their age.

My Bridge Club

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 20:28:00 GMT

My bridge group started in my neighborhood in Chicago when my son was born. I met these ladies one night when we were all young moms and needed a night out once a month. Now, 37 years later, we all remain friends.

Some members of my bridge group are closer to me than others, although we have experienced very little turnover. Most of us are the original group. Those who later joined have been with us for at least 20 years.

The first Tuesday of the month, my husband would watch the kids, and off I would go. Some nights, we actually played bridge. Other nights, I would come home with only three or four hands played.

I learned everything from my bridge group – what the latest toys were for the holidays and where to buy them, vaccinations, summer camps, recipes, fashions, you name it. During the holidays, we would enjoy our annual dinner. Yum - so much good food with great company!
We took trips together and went to Galena, Illinois, for weekends to one of the girls’ summer homes. It was always fall, and we would go shopping in the cute stores. I was never much of a shopper. Some of the ladies would come back with the most amazing finds for “show and tell” sessions. Geese place-mats, fall arrangements, aprons, hand-carved kitchen utensils and again, everyone was responsible for a part of the meal, so great food was had by all.

There also was the trip to England, when one woman’s husband had a two-year bank job. Then, we went to Washington, DC, because one of us attended college with Bill Clinton. We got the royal treatment and our invitation from the White House was addressed, “To the ‘International Bridge Group.’” That made us laugh!

A bunch of us visited Santa Fe, New Mexico. Finally, our last trip was to Oaxaca, Mexico. It was quite humorous with a crew of women trying to figure out the bill in Pesos.

Now, I have moved to Florida and am going to visit these marvelous women. We have been so privileged in our lives to have earned decent educations, maintained a variety of careers or the choice to volunteer, and only experienced two divorces. No one is widowed, and especially thankful, no one has lost a child.

However, now we are starting to face our own challenges. Two of us have cancer, and unbelievable to us all, two of us have dementia and are now in Adult Day Care. It seems amazing since we are just in our 60s.

As I reflect on my bridge group and the amazing friendships we have developed, I cannot help but equate it to my retirement communities. In the old days, these places were labeled “Old Folks Homes,” and were generally a bunch of little old ladies.

In those days, women outlived their husbands by 8-10 years. That figure is narrowing. Now, there is more of a mix with couples and the single men moving in (it is good for them too). The majority of residents are still primarily women.

At one of my communities that we were pre-selling over a three-year period, we were hosting regular “Meet Your New Neighbors” events. We had pretty much run out of ideas, so I created an event titled “For Men Only.” This is when we just invited the men for cocktails and cigars. The women were divided into two categories – single/widowed and married.

All three events were a huge success and a lot of fun but very different. With the women, we had the single ladies on Tuesdays from 3 p.m.-5 p.m., and they all arrived right on time. The food was flowing, the noise level was deafening and at some point, I had to kick them out so I could go home. They were so thrilled with some of the people they re-connected with, having no idea they were moving too and meeting their new neighbors.

The next day, at 3 p.m., we welcomed the married women. Granted it was a smaller group, but not by much. Everyone came late, left early, didn’t eat and talked about what play they were attending, club event, trip or where they were going that night for dinner. They rarely meet anyone they did not already know. There was no need to reach out. They had their comfort zone in their marriage.

The current statistics suggest that many of you are in for a real shock. A number of you will ultimately be alone, as women still do outlive men.

How great it is to be in a retirement community with these amazing women who have been where you are and are now alone. As I have said, alone is very lonely. Yet, those single, mostly widowed women had resilience and were one heck of a lively group.

How lucky for me to see this and how lucky I have been with the many female friends I have had over the years. Even though I have been re-married for many years, I was one of the divorced ones. I truly know what it is like to be alone.

My Son, the Caregiver?

Thu, 29 Mar 2012 18:21:00 GMT

My son is my first born child and has a special place in my heart. He and I maintain a subliminal bond. I say that because we do not talk all the time.

He is 37, single, living in downtown Chicago and always on the go. He is charming, funny, creative and beyond handsome. Like George Clooney, he always seems to have a gorgeous woman by his side. And like George, he may never settle down and get married. I am okay with that idea. He is my only son, and I love him dearly. Settling down may just not be for him.

Recently, I read the Time Magazine cover story stating that we love one of our children more than the other(s). I have the same amount of love for both of my children – admittedly, of course, sometimes more for one than the other when appropriate.

I used to have a resident at my retirement community who had a bell ornament for each of her children. At Christmas, she would hang all five ornaments at the top of the tree. However, the child’s ornament at the very top was the one who had visited her last.

Since she was 80-years old, these were not children but grown adults. Their response to her game was to out-do each others’ efforts. She had lots of guests, but some would visit more than others. I don’t think she loved them any differently, but having your bell at the top definitely meant a lot.

As I reflect on my relationship with my son, I do not think he is my ultimate caregiver, should I ever need help as I grow older. I laugh and tell the story how I first started working in a retirement community.

He said, “Oh, Mom, you will never have to go to ‘one of those places.’ I will take care of you when you get old.” He was 19 at the time. I was working at a spectacular place where any individual would say they were lucky to call it “Home.”

My clientele was very elite – moving in from magnificent homes. We offered huge apartments for independent living residents and had professional health care support available to the residents who need the services.

My son’s response was based off the paradigm that “old folk’s homes” were depressing and well, old. I quickly straightened him out. Times had changed. Retirement communities have become remarkable destinations.

Shortly after this conversation, I got the flu. I was a mess on the sofa with Kleenex everywhere. My caregiver, 19-year-old son came by to see how I was managing. Sniff, sniff, “Can you get me some ice cream?” He then proceeded to the kitchen, looked in and asked, “Okay, where is it?”

“It’s at the store,” was my response. After a stop at the store, he brought home some nice, scratchy Pepperidge Farm cookies. When I complained that I needed ice cream for my sore throat, he replied, “Have a sense of humor – I got that too.”

I wasn’t laughing. Although he has a fabulous sense of humor – really funny, belly laughing at times – this was not it. Then I thought, when I need it, I am definitely going to “one of those places.”

Now it is 20 years later. More than ever through my career, I have seen the benefits of moving to a Continuing Care Retirement Community (CCRC). While I have a daughter too, who I equally love as much as my son, I know both my kids would be ill-equipped to take on the professional role as my caregiver. Why should they if I can make these types of arrangements myself?

Many people say they are not worried because they will just call a Home Health Agency to provide care in their home. These providers are a wonderful service for people staying in their home forever. First of all, they are licensed professionals – good. They can provide a variety of quality services – good. They allow you to stay in your home and not move. Good? Maybe, maybe not.

I receive calls daily from families who have flown into town to help Mom, Dad or both because “something has happened.” They needed to find a home health care organization. How can you do that during a crisis and basically letting your fingers do the walking?

They then later call me and say the agency was doing a good job, but (fill in the blank) the cost was prohibitive. They were still managing the household, paying taxes and other bills. They only needed a small amount of help. But the company had: minimum hours; someone “no-showed;” or the parent needing the care had passed away, leaving their Mom/Dad alone now.

Alone – that is the key component. Alone – that sounds pretty lonely. Alone – that can be scary if you are in need of care, or if, God forbid, you have a serious memory issue.

I say, move while you can to a pretty nifty retirement community. Do your homework, but try to find a CCRC. How nice it is to not be alone. How great to not be a burden to your children. How stimulating to have activities, college programs and speakers, theatre outings, bridge and delicious, fresh cooked dinners with friends. How cool to not have to worry about tough decisions when you are facing major life changes. If you want, have a Home Health provider in your apartment or villa in the CCRC. If necessary, receive 24-hour skilled nursing, assisted living or memory care in a Health Center at virtually no extra cost.

There is no reason to compromise. You can have it all and do it the right way. I really love my son. I know he would bend over backwards for me. The kids really love their parents, and they continue to tell me it was the best decision to move into my community. They are so glad that times have changed, and we truly are not “one of those places.”

Kids, I Mean Adult Children by Dee Todd

Fri, 24 Feb 2012 21:15:00 GMT

I once knew a cardiologist who said he could always tell the functional from the dysfunctional families as he consulted with the adult children about their parent(s). If it was a serious situation, the functional families would keep mom or dad from suffering any pain. However, the dysfunctional families would fly in from all over and insist to “Save Mom (or Dad) at all costs!”

Now, I don’t know that I necessarily agree with this theory. Obviously, we all want to have our parents with us forever, or as long as possible. I can understand the point. We love our parents, but as they grow older, we don’t know exactly how to handle these intense situations.

Yet, when I first started in the retirement business, I remember a mentor of mine who said, “We raised a generation of brats.” Wait a minute – I am one of those brats! But I understand her point.

In fact, I always claim to be a product of a “throw-away” generation. We started with simple things, such as throw-away film. Then, it moved to disposable cameras, and ultimately ended up with “I’m giving up on this marriage.”

The same thinking occurs today. Last week, my husband talked to someone in India about our color printer. It was burning through black ink daily. Over the phone, the representative was able to determine that the printer was not fixable, which lead to the sale of a new one. A couple of days later, the new printer arrived. We then basically “threw away” the old device (by donating it to a church – as if they can get the ink to fix itself). There we are again – the Throw-Away Generation.

Having more than 20 years of senior housing experience, I have come to believe in the ways of the Greatest Generation. These folks went through the War, hanging in there and sticking it out during rough times. They also raised us, a generation of independent thinkers, and they wanted it that way. I have my own theory. As the parents age, either the kids take over and become the parent, or they remain kids forever, and Mom and Dad are Mom and Dad forever. It is family dynamics that come in all variations. In some families, as you can imagine, there may be every mathematical combination: some parents in denial of becoming older; some parents in a needy condition’ some kids in denial that their parents are getting older; and some kids in total “take-over” mode.

Let’s examine this closer. Believe me, it is a sad day when the kids figure out they have to take over for their parents. It is a bitter pill to take when it comes to the juxtaposition of roles, and sometimes, the kids wait too long.

One woman brought her father to me while the mother was in the hospital recovering from broken bones caused by a car accident. Dad was driving, and as we discussed it, the daughter said to him that he really shouldn’t drive anymore. However, he resisted – not allowing her to take away the keys. It’s hard on everyone, but it is true. At some point, our kids are more alert, more agile and smarter than us. We should listen to them when they show concern. They truly love us.

With these families, the parent(s) may say to me that “my kids wish for me to choose a retirement community, as they are worried and don’t want me to be a burden on their lives.” In this father’s case, the parent might also say to me that the kids are worried about me, and they are crazy, I am fine. There is a sense of pride that comes from parenthood.

That same pride creeps over to the feeling that we can still “do it all.” “Don’t worry about me (us), we are doing great!” “Yes, we will come for weddings, graduations, baptisms, birthdays, etc. No problem to travel. Yes, come stay with us. Of course, we will still host Thanksgiving for 20.”

Our children, no matter the age, rely on us to continue to be who we always have been. I actually had a grown man say to me he did not want this mother to move out of his childhood home, and the memories that he experienced over the years. She ended up staying in that huge house. This was fine with her, as we all know, moving is tough. We all love our homes, even when they are too much for us, and we could benefit from the sociability of a community.

In this case, she said that if he told her to move, she would. However, he could not see her needs above his own. Incidentally, I also have witnessed numerous children who have been marvelous with their parents by helping them maneuver their way through the maze of retirement options.

Over the years, however, I have met many women who do not move to a retirement community because they are unable able to “give up their guest room.” When we look closely, they usually have guests for a few weeks each year, at best. Yet, for the other 340 or so days, they shop for food for one, cook for one, eat alone most nights and could really benefit from a retirement community with delicious dinners, good friends and on-going activities. The most important benefit from this choice – someone is around 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year if there is a health challenge, even in the middle of the night. No one is alone.

In perspective, the guest room is not that important. Plus, guests can stay in their apartment or even reserve a guest suite down the hall. Sounds easy, right? What about hosting Thanksgiving? Easy again – just make a reservation in the dining room. No cooking, just laughing and enjoying time together.

Sometimes it is the perception of independence to say, “I hosted 20 for Thanksgiving.” Or maybe it is the perception for our kids to think we are not getting older when they say, “We are going to Mom and Dad’s.” In my mind, that is a total injustice. Life should be easy.

True, we all age differently. Yes, we all react to change differently. Yes, we all show our emotions differently. And yes, we do not want to be a burden on our children. But, we should make a plan for aging gracefully. Our kids should be allowed to take over some of these tasks, allowing us to pass the baton. Move out of the house. Consider a community with services, relaxing with friends and having the peace of mind of knowing – we did it right!

My Father-in-Law had Nine Lives by Dee Todd

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 16:24:00 GMT

The only time I saw my Father-in-Law without a tie was when he was on the golf course. He was a highly respected law and business professional. He also served on major boards, represented clients in the Supreme Court, had a lovely family and drove a Chevy Nova.

My Mother-in-Law drove a Cadillac. I once inquired with him why he drove such an economy car. He replied, “What would my client’s say if I drove up in some fancy car?” My response was, “Dad, they know what they are paying for – you.”

He was a careful man, the son of a minister who worked hard for everything they had. He always was working, even after heart surgeries and ultimately a stroke. Even then, he had a driver take him to the office where his name adorned the front entrance. He was remarkable and always giving as a pillar of the Church. He created a university out of a small college. My Father-in-Law loved me so much that when I divorced his son, he helped me obtain a scholarship to that university, where I earned my master’s degree. He would take me with his couples golfing friends to the Asheville Country Club in North Carolina for a week of golfing. And I went – alone, no husband, just me and them.

After that, I had to forge ahead on my own. I found a remarkable job that combined everything I loved. It was a new construction retirement community with the most reputable non-profit organization in the Chicago area. I was able to work with floor plans, decorating, watching the creation and meeting lots of people. Little did I realize, I was actually working with people seeking a long-term plan, sort of like a long-term insurance policy. When prospects moved to this community, there were not only getting a great place to live, they were also benefiting from Life Care.

Over the years, I kept in touch with my Father-in-Law. However, while I was working to better my career, he was experiencing his own set of health issues. With my ex-husband not a fan, there was no way my Father-in-Law wanted to hear about my fabulous retirement community.

When my Mother-in-Law passed away at age 69, Dad moved to a condo. These were the latest craze real estate options located on Lake Michigan in our same northern suburb. It was known as “No Man’s Land” and catered to exactly Dad’s needs, except for one thing – it was a tri-level! It was absolutely gorgeous with the living room, dining area and kitchen as you entered, den and guest bedroom down five stairs and master bedroom suite up five stairs. It was both beautiful and horrible at the same time for the long-term plan and events that soon followed.

Dad was able to miraculously pull through despite suffering some serious health setbacks, including strokes. Ultimately, it would catch up with him. He was working tirelessly to recover walking, but was now in a wheelchair. He had an excellent male helper who would carry him up and down his stairs. The aide drove him to work and would accompany Dad on a golf cart at the club as he drove around the course just for relaxation. Despite his struggles, Dad truly was attempting to maintain an active, independent lifestyle.

My two Sisters-in-Law would stop by daily and help him with mail and other tasks. They were both working so they could not totally monitor the situation. Dad was not as sharp as he once was, but no one really felt the need to question him. He always was strong and definitely the patriarch of our family. He was awesome!

It was a total surprise that when he passed away, his estate was not really in order. In fact, he had given away a lot of money to the cleaning lady who had been with them, even when Mom was living. Somehow, she had gotten to him, and he felt sorry for her. For years, the family took legal action in the form of a lawsuit against her. When they finally won, the money was gone. She had used the money to pay for her daughter to attend Oxford.

What a sad story and one that plays out in numerous households today. We all know about Senior Scams. I hope that when people move into my community, we can help them avoid these through education. But, as we know, we are independent living. We do not monitor the residents in our community. We also do not wish to meddle into their personal business. We are available for them with educational opportunities. In addition, they have their friends who discuss these topics.

That did not stop one of my residents from recently receiving a call from a banker who claimed they had a problem with her grandson’s account. She immediately set out to send them $5,000. It was only through some luck that the money did not go through the wire transfer.

It happens, and I wish we could have done something for Dad. I wish we knew more about what was going on in the house. I wish he had moved to my retirement community (although it wasn’t built yet). I know even in my communities, we cannot help this type of thing. Without a doubt, in a continuing care retirement community, resident can refuse help in their homes from people who are not bonded employees of the community. There is no need for strangers coming in to clean or provide care. There is peace of mind for them and the family. To me, that makes sense.

Long Term Care Insurance is an Extended Family Decision by Mark Olson

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 15:11:00 GMT

My daughter and her two girls recently were visiting from Italy. She is actually my step daughter. I am a lucky man. When I married Dee, in addition to a wonderful wife, I became the benefactor with her two children, Rob and Chey. I close my e-mails to them: “IWIWYD”…I Wish I Were Your Dad.

In Italy, health insurance is provided by the State. Much like Medicare here, except it covers everything and everyone. The problem is what happens when they’re visiting us in the States? If something happens to them, who pays for any health care they might require?

My grandchildren will pick up whatever virus is in the air. Like tennis, they pass it back and forth. Very often the referee (Chey) catches the cold as well, and often it makes its way into the stands when the fans (my wife and I) will also pick it up. There have been several trips to the local health clinic. Colds are simple enough to self-insure; generally their mother or my wife pays for the doctors and medicine they require.

What if the situation was more serious and hospitalization was required? What if Chey or the kids were involved in a major accident, or worse? Who would pay for the cost of their care if this happened during their visit? Initially, Chey told us not to worry, “Nothing like that will happen!” Dee and I decided to purchase insurance for them and to protect ourselves. We knew that if something did happen, we would spend every last penny we had to care for our daughter or grandchildren.

What about our young grandchildren who live without insurance coverage? What would our children do if their children were sick or injured without insurance coverage? Would they let their kids be transferred to the “State” hospital? Or would they, and most likely us, dig into their savings and pay what it cost for proper care? If it was cancer, wouldn’t the extended family step up and purchase the medicine that a State hospital or the neighborhood clinic would never provide? If our son or son-in-law lost his job, wouldn’t we offer our home to help with the expenses? Of course we would.

NOW, FLIP the Question…

What would your kids do if you or your spouse needed extended care and you didn’t have a LTC (Long Term Care) Insurance policy? After all of your assets were exhausted purchasing the care you needed ($6,000-$12,000 per month, per person), would they let you move to a “County Medicaid” facility? Or would they step up and purchase the care you needed? What would they do with Mom or Dad, if an illness exhausted all their savings? Wouldn’t they bring them into their home and care for them, just as you earlier agreed with me that you would do the same?

When your children ask you questions about how the care you might require will be provided, do you answer, “Nothing like that will happen!”? How do you answer your wife when she asks the same question? If you are 65, there is a 25 percent chance that “it” will happen. If you are 80, the chances are 50 percent that you or your partner will require extended care. Just as the lack of health insurance for our children and grandchildren has extended family consequences, LTC Insurance is an extended family decision. You wouldn’t ignore your son’s or daughter’s needs, how can you expect them to ignore the care you might require? It reaches grandchildren who step up for “Ma Ma,” as well as great nieces and nephews for a great aunt, who may not have LTC coverage and is past the point she is able to make her own health care decisions. Long term care is not something most families can self-insure. Nearly all of the horror stories we hear could have been addressed with insurance. It’s not too late.

John Knox Village is a wonderful lifestyle for people who have a LTC policy. “It’s like we’re on a 365-day cruise,” more than one resident has testified.

The Village is important for singles or couples who find themselves at 62 or older without a LTC insurance policy. It is a gift you give your children, your grandchildren and yes, even your great nephews and nieces. Most of all, it is the peace of mind for yourself, knowing where, who and how you will be cared for when you no longer can make those decisions on your own; that your extended family will not have to make those decisions for you.

Indeed, in life care communities, like JKV, many residents have children who actually stepped up and helped purchase a residency agreement for their parents for these very reasons. I wish I had. I was aware of the risk and did purchase health insurance for my visiting daughter and our grandchildren. If I had understood the risk and the consequences, I would have done the same for my parents. It would have saved my sister and me a lot of tears and anguish.

No Really, I Love My Home by Dee Todd

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 15:14:00 GMT

I have loved all of my homes. They have been my identity. I have loved my gardens, and recently, when looking back at old photos that were placed on a disk from slides, it was a study of my hairdos, my homes and my yard projects. Obviously, the kids grew older, but the most fun was re-living the houses.

And what is it about women? I told my husband the other day that I have a ridiculous memory for every item in my house. I can virtually tell you when and where I bought every item in the house, what house I lived in when I got it, where it went in that house and any future locations, the store where I purchased each item and get this, the price. Sad and silly, but it is MY stuff, and I LOVE IT ALL.

Now we are downsizing, and I have a couple of entire rooms to get rid of items. What am I saying? How can anyone say “get rid of” my precious items? Yet, frankly they have to go, and I don’t really feel that bad.

My favorite author (at least recently) is Nora Ephron, as she is extremely hilarious and hits my generation. She was married to Carl Bernstein (“All the President’s Men”) until their divorce. She moved back to New York with her two children and found a fabulous, huge and unusual apartment to rent in a great area. The building had a cobble-stoned courtyard, but it had its problems with water pressure and such. She absolutely loved it. And it was rent-controlled!

As time went on, she became more successful. However, the rent control laws changed to say that if you made a certain income, you no longer qualified for rent-control. As the owners were making more money, they were fixing up the place by blacktopping over the cobblestones for the fancier cars of the tenants. Nora’s rent went up to $10,000 a month. She stayed another year. With planned increases over the next few years, she decided it was best not to stay.

Suddenly, Nora was “out of love” with her place. At this point, her children were grown, and she had a new husband. She was scared of a new location, new grocery story and smaller apartment. Nora worded it most poignantly when she said, “Within hours of moving in, I was home. I was astonished. I was amazed. And most of all, I was mortified. Why hadn’t I realized that what I thought of as love was simply my own highly developed gift for making lemonade?”

She admitted she will never “love” the new place, but times had changed and her needs were different.

That is exactly how I feel so many times talking to prospective residents for my retirement community. Many of them subconsciously realize that the time is right to make a move, but for some reason, are unable to pull it off. They may not have the incentive of a hefty rent increase, but there are times when something happens and they pick up the phone to investigate the possibility of an important and serious housing change. A decision that takes into consideration the maintenance of their home, increased sociability or the question of health care down the line.

To sum it all up, she has a great line at the end of my all-time favorite movie “When Harry Met Sally” with Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan. He finally asks her to marry him. She responded with the question, “When?”

Here is the line that he says: “When I decide to do something for the rest of my life, I want the rest of my life to start as soon as possible.”

That is what I say. Yes, you love your home - we all do. Yes, things are going along fine now. But will they forever, and what are you waiting for - the rent to increase? For a major crisis to occur? Make a plan for the rest of your life, and start the rest of your life as soon as possible. I cannot tell you how secure it will make you feel!

Senior Moments have turned into Google Moments by Dee Todd

Wed, 04 Jan 2012 22:22:00 GMT

I just finished two short books by Nora Ephron, my favorite writer, director and person (without really knowing her). She wrote my all-time favorite movie, “When Harry Met Sally”. Each New Year’s Eve, without saying a word, my husband turns it on the television for me, and religiously, I watch it. Similar to my kids, I am able quote pretty much the entire movie.

So you can imagine my delight when my cousin presented me with Nora’s more recent books, “I Feel Bad About My Neck and Other Thoughts on Being a Woman” and “I Remember Nothing: And Other Reflections.”

One of the most interesting and fascinating reflections is her comment on how “Senior Moments” have turned into “Google Moments.” It is especially funny when she is clicking along and then loses it for a second and needs to run to Google to continue. I can relate.

My husband is worse. One night, we gathered our dinners in the kitchen/family room and brought our plates to the sofa to watch television during the meal. He was about to sit down, when he returned to the sink area. At that moment, without asking, I said to him, “You forgot to get a fork and napkin.” He had, of course, forgotten why he went back to the kitchen. We understand each other so well that I finally said to him the other day, “Don’t even ask the question anymore, I know what you are thinking.” This was after he asked, “What was the name of the actress with black hair, tall and thin?” I replied, “Anne Hathaway.” He said, “Yeah, that’s it.”

Most things are able to be searched on the Internet, and the two of us happily go along each night Googling away. We watched Clark Gable, then Googled everything about him. That led to Googling his wives, movies and Scarlett O’Hara. This of course led us to Googling the Civil War, then all wars, then all things American. It can be infectious.

Speaking of addictions, what is all this about Facebook and Twitter? My kids got me on Facebook, which scares me to death. The minute I logon, I have 40 friend requests from people I haven’t seen or heard from in years. How about a little privacy? But I love seeing pictures and viewing my children’s updates on Facebook, although sometimes it’s a little too much information. Plus, what is amazing is their friends whom I could not tolerate when they were growing up, are now asking me to be their friend all because we have three friends in common.

My point is we live in a “super-cyber-space” world. Now all the marketing companies are saying retirement communities need more Internet presence, including social media networking. They need to utilize Facebook because everyone is on computers.
I am frankly amazed at how few people, age 80 and greater, who have not yet embraced this all encompassing pastime. At my community, we may have 50 percent of the residents who are computer literate. I am not sure of the exact number, so maybe I should Google the statistics.

I strongly encourage anyone who is not on the computer to get with the times. At any worthwhile retirement community, classes will be offered. Life-long learning is about staying up with the times and technology. Plus, once you are on the computer, you can Google anything.

Google, what a great invention! We no longer have to remember everything. It still is important to remember your children’s and grandchildren’s names. Some things you just cannot get on the computer.

Golf is Similar to Life by Dee Todd

Tue, 20 Dec 2011 17:11:00 GMT

It was after I turned 30 when I began playing golf. I had always been athletic, mostly an avid tennis player. What was golf? To me, it was just a sport for older people. My in-laws played all the time at the club. All their friends played. In my mind, they were all old, at least in their 50s and 60s

So when I began playing, I creamed the ball. I creamed it into the woods. I creamed it into the water. I creamed it all over the place, but not in the center of the fairway and on the green. My final score reflected my abilities. Counting every stroke, my first round was 164. Par, after all, is 72.

Lessons soon followed. I began to play more, even was involved in a women’s league. I was determined to improve. While on the course, my husband finally said to me, “Dee, what are you trying to achieve.” I replied, “I am trying to get a par.”

He reminded me that pars were for really good players, and if I tried for a six on each hole, I would shoot 108. Wow! That sounded good – and doable. Once I focused, my score drastically improved. It was a realistic and achievable goal.

But as in life, my goal to improve dimmed over the years. Now I just try not to get worse. Yes, I hit it down the middle of the fairway, and I have more control. As for the score, which is somewhat better (average 100 for the past 20 years), I am pretty consistent and not the least bit interested in taking lessons to shave a stroke or two off the total. I am just happy to be out there.

Golf and life are very similar.

Golf: Go out on the practice range and hit ball after ball. Then play on the course, and get yourself into trouble – draw deep down to remember what you were doing on the range and try to get it back before the 18^th hole

Life: Learn lessons from parents, teachers, therapists, specialists, in an office, a classroom, a warm kitchen cooking – draw deep down within yourself to remember what you learned while you are out there in the real world when you are put to the test. Then, get home as quickly as possible.

Golf: It’s a full round made of up single swings.

Life: It’s a complete life made up of single actions.

Golf: In order to be successful, you have to play a complete game – long shots, approach shots, chips, sand shots and putts.

Life: To be successful, you have to work at every aspect of your life – family, spouse, children, job, friends, spirituality, health, fitness…all of it.

Golf: One day the drives are perfect, but you are unable to make a putt. Your score suffers. The next day, you can putt, but the drives are a disaster. You have to manage your mistakes and still try to have fun.

Life: One day everything is going great at work, but the kids or your spouse is having a difficult time. You have to manage the good with the bad and be happy at the end of the day.

Golf: The golf swing consists of multiple parts – the take away, pause at the top, the follow thru and finishing with a high ending. Experts claim they can break the golf swing into 26 separate parts. It is easy to focus on one part of the swing and forget that the swing’s purpose is to hit the ball. So instead of enjoying game, the focus becomes technical.

Life: How many times do we focus on the little things and forget the big picture and everything we are thankful for. There is a reason why we say, “stop and smell the roses.”

Golf: I had a tough time on that hole, but now it is over, and I have a whole new opportunity to score well on the next hole. Or, wow that was a great hole! I am ready to doing it again!

Life: My life is perfect. Everything is going great. Then, I have a flat tire. I am issued a ticket. A tree falls in the pool. Not so great. Then again, “tomorrow is another day.”

Golf: If only I had a different putter. I would have more fun and score much better.

Life: if only I had a different – partner, job, house, car, doctor, left knee, (fill in blank) – I would have more fun, be more successful, be happier.

Golf: I have seen the most miserable golfers who do not enjoy one minute on the course. They slam the club with a missed shot and are never able to get over it. Also, I have witnessed golfers who are so happy just to be playing and enjoying the atmosphere. Enjoy the good shots. Don’t fret over the missed ones.

Life: My theory – a grumpy young person becomes a grumpier old person. A sweet young individual develops into the sweetest, little old grandma in the world.

Golf: A hole-in-one doesn’t happen to everyone

Life: See previous comment.

When he was 12 years old, my son said it perfectly as he was walking off the 18^th green. “I think I figured it out.” He was ready to play again. That’s what life is about - figuring it out and keep playing the game. That is what makes it so fun!

A Special Treat for Christmas - Flash Mob Handel's Messiah

Fri, 09 Dec 2011 22:15:00 GMT

You may have already seen this, but if you haven't it is well worth the time. Check out the amazed faces of the shoppers when this flash mob begins singing Handel's Messiah - Hallelujah Chorus. Hope this blesses you.

I’m Not Ready Yet

Wed, 16 Nov 2011 00:47:00 GMT

Well, I had to laugh. Today I woke up to an ad on the radio for Lexus. It started with a woman who said, “Hello John, I decided to accept your marriage proposal.” He replied, “That was 15 years ago!” “Yes, it took me some time to decide. I wanted to make sure I was making the right decision.” Announcer: “Come in today, and don’t wait to find out how you could have a Lexus now. Great deals for a short time only.” The ad ends with the man saying, “Unfortunately, I would have to ask my wife of seven years. What were you thinking?” “Well,” she says, “I needed to be sure.”

That is my life. Every day I come to work and talk to people who are old enough to move to a continuing care community. They have the money to afford it. They have minor health issues to warrant it. They have plenty of reasons to say, “I am ready.” Each day, I hear, “I am not ready yet.”

Why is that? Who knows, but I hear many reasons, as you can image. As we peel back the onion, so to speak, what is at the core of avoiding a move?

Change is scary...no doubt about it. Something may have happened for a person to calls us, such as; a tree fell in the pool, they fell in the bathroom, their best friend moved away, they are bored with living alone, one spouse seems to be doing all the work. The list goes on and on. But usually there is a trigger. They visit us and realize, “Wow, what is not to love?” No more cooking, if they wish (which also removes the burden of shopping). No more maintenance. No more major bills since taxes are included and no more special assessments. They have a new set of built-in friends and peers who have lived through the similar life experiences, music tastes and history. They have a super attentive staff. But then the question pops up, “What if I don’t like it?” And of course, you can always move out, but that rarely ever happens. When people move in, they usually say, “I should have done it sooner. What was I waiting for?”

But let’s face it, aging can be scary. My good friend turned 60 and told her personal trainer that a 40-year old woman was screaming to get out. Aging sort of creeps up on us. And when is the “right” time to make a decision to move and then, where do you move? I hear, “We are in our 70s, and we are just too young.” Then, “We are in our 80s (or 90s), and we are just too old.” Or, “I should have moved in with my husband, because now it is just too tough doing all the work and making the decisions alone.”

Let’s talk about couples. Couples make up about 25 percent of our population. Across the board, they are happy they moved in together. However, when I talk to couples who contacted me, many times they will say their spouse is unwilling to move. I have had couples both say the other doesn’t want to make the change! It is an easy way to say, “It is scary, even as a couple.” But when I hear one or the other does not agree on a move, I cringe. My whole career has been filled with the sadness of a single person moving in after the loss of their spouse. That is when the true conflict begins as it is much tougher to “do it alone.”

In addition, and this is the key ingredient, when they move as a couple to a CCRC, they are protecting each other from the difficult time of caring for their spouse in time of need with a built-in process. At the end of any illness, there is emotional and physical exhaustion. How many care-giving spouses do we see becoming sick themselves? It is tough to go it alone. So when a couple resists the idea of moving, and they are old enough, have the money and could make the move together, I shake my head. Hanging on to one lifestyle could cost you, not only financially but more importantly, physically and emotionally.

Let’s talk about singles. Life can get very lonely when you are alone. Even with adult children in the area, they have their own lives and we like our life. And no matter what, we don’t want to be a burden. Times change, sometimes subtly and sometimes suddenly. One friend moves away. We visit the doctor for an eye problem, no driving. Yikes! Or the maintenance is just too much. Or doing everything alone just gets annoying and boring. But again, most importantly, who will take care of me if something happens to me? If I am alone at night, who will come? I want the peace of mind of knowing I have the continuum of care, even though I do not need it now. Can we put an age on this kind of security? I don’t think so.

The effort of a move is scary. This is a biggie. We all have too much stuff and how can we survive a move at our age? My son just moved at 37, and it is tough at any age. Of course, as a CCRC with services, we provide more support than anyone could ever imagine. We will do the whole move, including the work, if someone will let us. Why is this stuff so important? Well, because it is MY stuff. George Carlin said, “A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”

Lately, I have been begging my kids to take one or two things when they visit. Some of my stuff is cool stuff but they still don’t want it! The new norm is if you want to come visit me, you have to take something away with you. We have been entertaining less and less visitors so ultimately, I get the message. I must get rid of some of this stuff myself. I have found that when people downsize, it is truly cathartic. It is freeing, but it IS scary.

So why doesn’t everyone move to a CCRC? They should! When is the golden moment? NOW! I read something totally unrelated that said, “If you are reading this and think this is an issue, then it IS an issue.” When people contact us, it is an issue that should be addressed sooner rather than later. We have many people move to us soon after their first inquiry but we have many more who wait several years. Why wait? Will it get easier to move? Are they waiting for a serious wake-up call? Are they waiting too long? That answer generally is yes. And unfortunately, I have to say, all too often, “We are sorry, you no longer qualify for independent living at our community.” Many of these conversations are with adult children who are now taking over for their parents to place them in a “facility.” I really hate that word. It sounds like incarceration.

And maybe that is the true fear. If I move, will I lose my freedom? I say everyday, “We are not a facility!” We are a community of active seniors who are smart enough to plan for the future. As I interact with our resident population, all of whom are old enough, have the money and had the foresight to make a plan, they say they have never been busier, felt freer and know it was the best decision of their life. That’s impressive.

But no one will know that until they actually jump in and experience the water. It’s warm, it’s fun, it’s comfortable and it is a feeling of freedom. Are you ready for that?

Can Our Kids Really Take Care of Us?

Mon, 24 Oct 2011 14:19:00 GMT

I live in a new modern world where my children live a long way away from me. I have often said to my friends that I want to come back in my next life as our children. These kids have had so many advantages with the technological advances. I remember when a long distance call from Chicago to New York was a big deal.

“Hurry and talk to Grandma fast. She is calling Long Distance!” Now, it is practically nothing to call a cell phone in Europe. And you can video call with Skype for free. My children had a good life with summer camps, lots of friends, family trips, good schools, college life and in the case of my daughter, Junior Year Abroad in Italy.

Many of my friends had children who went to other countries during their college life, and my niece, who is now attending Dartmouth, just finished a stint in Guiana - dirt huts, poor people and hard to find hot running water. It is more or less a requirement of the school to attain international experience.

My daughter’s experience was not quite so rustic but nevertheless impactful. Once there, she never really came back from Italy. She fell in love with Italy, and then she fell in love with an Italian man. Now, she has my two little Italian granddaughters. Everyone says how great it is for me to have such a wonderful place to visit.

Wouldn’t it be more wonderful if she lived nearby? Plus, who is going to take care of me when I get old? What happened to the day when Grandma moved in with the family, and the family unit was a giant ameba – everyone went en-mass to dance recitals, soccer, games, graduations, birthday celebrations and family dinners? Admittedly, there is still much of this going on, but society has really changed in the last generation.

Why is that? We live in such a fast-paced society (in part because of the technological advances too). More women are working outside of the home, and now Grandma is more alone. Staying with the family is not all that attractive. Plus, we have modern Grandmas. They are texting, attending local colleges for classes, traveling with groups of friends and enjoying life with their peers. Or we hope so.

And ultimately, do we really want our children to take care of us? Are they even capable? My opinion is no and no.

When I was working at one of the most luxurious retirement communities in one of the most affluent Chicago suburbs, I received a call from a woman. She was whispering into the phone, “Can you help me?” She was calling from her son’s mansion on Lake Michigan, but did not want me to send information. We just talked. He was traveling, and she was alone in the house. Her friends subsequently called too to see if I could help her get out of this situation. Ultimately, I met her and her son. Looking her in the eye, I described the ambiance of our community and the friendships that result. The son chimed in, “Don’t look at her. Talk to me. I will be paying.” I knew it was a lost cause. They went home to her isolation, and his feeling that he was doing the right thing by providing her with such a beautiful home.

I do think daughters have more of a clue than sons, in general. But when I think of my daughter and how much she loves me, I still know that she is not trained to take care of me, if I need it. In my recent health challenges, she sat with me and wished with all her heart that she could absorb the pain. “I’ll take it. Give it to me.” But at no time would I wish anything like that on my daughter. She is my daughter. I would jump in front of a bus for her. I am the protector. I am the mother. She was very supportive, made me feel better, but we were both trying to manage the process as best we could. Plus, she was chasing after two toddlers while ministering to me.

So I return to my favorite subject: Continuing Care Retirement Communities. What a fabulous invention.

First of all, I know I have been focusing on single women. But, the best time to make a decision to move to a CCRC is as a couple. This way, both partners are covered for Life Care. They can make the move together, set up a new life, meet new friends, and overall, the entire process is easier. And it is just as important for men to move to communities as it is for women. I have had plenty of people tell me their husbands would probably starve if something happened to them. That won’t happen, but there are plenty of men who move into my community who are living on frozen dinners (women too for that matter).

With a CCRC, you don’t have to rely on your kids for anything. You have set up your own resources for any future eventualities as you age. Plus, a huge issue is the “aloneness” factor. You move in when you don’t need to so you can make friends, have fun, live a totally independent lifestyle. If you want to read by the pool, read by the pool. if you love shopping, shop away. If you want to join a group or go to the theater, sign up. You don’t have to cook. You don’t have to clean. You don’t have to worry about the house. You don’t even have to change a lightbulb. More time to enjoy life and less change to fall of a step stool.

So in the words of my friend’s mother, “How come it only takes one mother to take care of 10 kids, but it takes 10 kids to take care of one mother?”