I live in a new modern world where my children live a long way away from me. I have often said to my friends that I want to come back in my next life as our children. These kids have had so many advantages with the technological advances. I remember when a long distance call from Chicago to New York was a big deal.
“Hurry and talk to Grandma fast. She is calling Long Distance!” Now, it is practically nothing to call a cell phone in Europe. And you can video call with Skype for free. My children had a good life with summer camps, lots of friends, family trips, good schools, college life and in the case of my daughter, Junior Year Abroad in Italy.
Many of my friends had children who went to other countries during their college life, and my niece, who is now attending Dartmouth, just finished a stint in Guiana - dirt huts, poor people and hard to find hot running water. It is more or less a requirement of the school to attain international experience.
My daughter’s experience was not quite so rustic but nevertheless impactful. Once there, she never really came back from Italy. She fell in love with Italy, and then she fell in love with an Italian man. Now, she has my two little Italian granddaughters. Everyone says how great it is for me to have such a wonderful place to visit.
Wouldn’t it be more wonderful if she lived nearby? Plus, who is going to take care of me when I get old? What happened to the day when Grandma moved in with the family, and the family unit was a giant ameba – everyone went en-mass to dance recitals, soccer, games, graduations, birthday celebrations and family dinners? Admittedly, there is still much of this going on, but society has really changed in the last generation.
Why is that? We live in such a fast-paced society (in part because of the technological advances too). More women are working outside of the home, and now Grandma is more alone. Staying with the family is not all that attractive. Plus, we have modern Grandmas. They are texting, attending local colleges for classes, traveling with groups of friends and enjoying life with their peers. Or we hope so.
And ultimately, do we really want our children to take care of us? Are they even capable? My opinion is no and no.
When I was working at one of the most luxurious retirement communities in one of the most affluent Chicago suburbs, I received a call from a woman. She was whispering into the phone, “Can you help me?” She was calling from her son’s mansion on Lake Michigan, but did not want me to send information. We just talked. He was traveling, and she was alone in the house. Her friends subsequently called too to see if I could help her get out of this situation. Ultimately, I met her and her son. Looking her in the eye, I described the ambiance of our community and the friendships that result. The son chimed in, “Don’t look at her. Talk to me. I will be paying.” I knew it was a lost cause. They went home to her isolation, and his feeling that he was doing the right thing by providing her with such a beautiful home.
I do think daughters have more of a clue than sons, in general. But when I think of my daughter and how much she loves me, I still know that she is not trained to take care of me, if I need it. In my recent health challenges, she sat with me and wished with all her heart that she could absorb the pain. “I’ll take it. Give it to me.” But at no time would I wish anything like that on my daughter. She is my daughter. I would jump in front of a bus for her. I am the protector. I am the mother. She was very supportive, made me feel better, but we were both trying to manage the process as best we could. Plus, she was chasing after two toddlers while ministering to me.
So I return to my favorite subject: Continuing Care Retirement Communities. What a fabulous invention.
First of all, I know I have been focusing on single women. But, the best time to make a decision to move to a CCRC is as a couple. This way, both partners are covered for Life Care. They can make the move together, set up a new life, meet new friends, and overall, the entire process is easier. And it is just as important for men to move to communities as it is for women. I have had plenty of people tell me their husbands would probably starve if something happened to them. That won’t happen, but there are plenty of men who move into my community who are living on frozen dinners (women too for that matter).
With a CCRC, you don’t have to rely on your kids for anything. You have set up your own resources for any future eventualities as you age. Plus, a huge issue is the “aloneness” factor. You move in when you don’t need to so you can make friends, have fun, live a totally independent lifestyle. If you want to read by the pool, read by the pool. if you love shopping, shop away. If you want to join a group or go to the theater, sign up. You don’t have to cook. You don’t have to clean. You don’t have to worry about the house. You don’t even have to change a lightbulb. More time to enjoy life and less change to fall of a step stool.
So in the words of my friend’s mother, “How come it only takes one mother to take care of 10 kids, but it takes 10 kids to take care of one mother?”
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