John Knox Village

Well, I had to laugh. Today I woke up to an ad on the radio for Lexus. It started with a woman who said, “Hello John, I decided to accept your marriage proposal.” He replied, “That was 15 years ago!” “Yes, it took me some time to decide. I wanted to make sure I was making the right decision.” Announcer: “Come in today, and don’t wait to find out how you could have a Lexus now. Great deals for a short time only.” The ad ends with the man saying, “Unfortunately, I would have to ask my wife of seven years. What were you thinking?” “Well,” she says, “I needed to be sure.”

That is my life. Every day I come to work and talk to people who are old enough to move to a continuing care community. They have the money to afford it. They have minor health issues to warrant it. They have plenty of reasons to say, “I am ready.” Each day, I hear, “I am not ready yet.”

Why is that? Who knows, but I hear many reasons, as you can image. As we peel back the onion, so to speak, what is at the core of avoiding a move?

Change is scary...no doubt about it. Something may have happened for a person to calls us, such as; a tree fell in the pool, they fell in the bathroom, their best friend moved away, they are bored with living alone, one spouse seems to be doing all the work. The list goes on and on. But usually there is a trigger. They visit us and realize, “Wow, what is not to love?” No more cooking, if they wish (which also removes the burden of shopping). No more maintenance. No more major bills since taxes are included and no more special assessments. They have a new set of built-in friends and peers who have lived through the similar life experiences, music tastes and history. They have a super attentive staff. But then the question pops up, “What if I don’t like it?” And of course, you can always move out, but that rarely ever happens. When people move in, they usually say, “I should have done it sooner. What was I waiting for?”

But let’s face it, aging can be scary. My good friend turned 60 and told her personal trainer that a 40-year old woman was screaming to get out. Aging sort of creeps up on us. And when is the “right” time to make a decision to move and then, where do you move? I hear, “We are in our 70s, and we are just too young.” Then, “We are in our 80s (or 90s), and we are just too old.” Or, “I should have moved in with my husband, because now it is just too tough doing all the work and making the decisions alone.”

Let’s talk about couples. Couples make up about 25 percent of our population. Across the board, they are happy they moved in together. However, when I talk to couples who contacted me, many times they will say their spouse is unwilling to move. I have had couples both say the other doesn’t want to make the change! It is an easy way to say, “It is scary, even as a couple.” But when I hear one or the other does not agree on a move, I cringe. My whole career has been filled with the sadness of a single person moving in after the loss of their spouse. That is when the true conflict begins as it is much tougher to “do it alone.”

In addition, and this is the key ingredient, when they move as a couple to a CCRC, they are protecting each other from the difficult time of caring for their spouse in time of need with a built-in process. At the end of any illness, there is emotional and physical exhaustion. How many care-giving spouses do we see becoming sick themselves? It is tough to go it alone. So when a couple resists the idea of moving, and they are old enough, have the money and could make the move together, I shake my head. Hanging on to one lifestyle could cost you, not only financially but more importantly, physically and emotionally.

Let’s talk about singles. Life can get very lonely when you are alone. Even with adult children in the area, they have their own lives and we like our life. And no matter what, we don’t want to be a burden. Times change, sometimes subtly and sometimes suddenly. One friend moves away. We visit the doctor for an eye problem, no driving. Yikes! Or the maintenance is just too much. Or doing everything alone just gets annoying and boring. But again, most importantly, who will take care of me if something happens to me? If I am alone at night, who will come? I want the peace of mind of knowing I have the continuum of care, even though I do not need it now. Can we put an age on this kind of security? I don’t think so.

The effort of a move is scary. This is a biggie. We all have too much stuff and how can we survive a move at our age? My son just moved at 37, and it is tough at any age. Of course, as a CCRC with services, we provide more support than anyone could ever imagine. We will do the whole move, including the work, if someone will let us. Why is this stuff so important? Well, because it is MY stuff. George Carlin said, “A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”

Lately, I have been begging my kids to take one or two things when they visit. Some of my stuff is cool stuff but they still don’t want it! The new norm is if you want to come visit me, you have to take something away with you. We have been entertaining less and less visitors so ultimately, I get the message. I must get rid of some of this stuff myself. I have found that when people downsize, it is truly cathartic. It is freeing, but it IS scary.

So why doesn’t everyone move to a CCRC? They should! When is the golden moment? NOW! I read something totally unrelated that said, “If you are reading this and think this is an issue, then it IS an issue.” When people contact us, it is an issue that should be addressed sooner rather than later. We have many people move to us soon after their first inquiry but we have many more who wait several years. Why wait? Will it get easier to move? Are they waiting for a serious wake-up call? Are they waiting too long? That answer generally is yes. And unfortunately, I have to say, all too often, “We are sorry, you no longer qualify for independent living at our community.” Many of these conversations are with adult children who are now taking over for their parents to place them in a “facility.” I really hate that word. It sounds like incarceration.

And maybe that is the true fear. If I move, will I lose my freedom? I say everyday, “We are not a facility!” We are a community of active seniors who are smart enough to plan for the future. As I interact with our resident population, all of whom are old enough, have the money and had the foresight to make a plan, they say they have never been busier, felt freer and know it was the best decision of their life. That’s impressive.

But no one will know that until they actually jump in and experience the water. It’s warm, it’s fun, it’s comfortable and it is a feeling of freedom.  Are you ready for that?